Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Confessions of a Codependent Female

In all the changes that have come in the past few months, I have made several realizations and developed into a stronger, better person. The biggest realization came today. After months of being "alone", I have realized that I am a thoroughly codependent person. Here I am, cooking by myself, for myself and eating by myself. How depressing, right? Ha. But it really isn't all that bad. I am in the comfort of my own home. I definitely couldn't go out and eat by myself. However, it is on a list of things to do along with going to a movie by myself.

The biggest part of the realization for me is going through the day and wanting to share little moments with someone. Just little things that don't really mean a whole lot but wishing I had someone to tell it to. In taking steps towards being independent, I am going to start a journal. My sister, Heather, and I actually had a phone conversation about journals/writing on Saturday. Yes, we were both on the road home and she was a few car lengths ahead of me... and we talked on the phone for at least 30 minutes. Talk about codependency. There it is again! I love blogging but there is only so much that I can share. And honestly, what I feel like talking/venting about some days would bore the socks off of my few lovely readers. I need somewhere that I can write down everything so that I can look back on it. So I am going to start a journal. For now, it will be simple notebook paper and a 3-ring binder. But at some point, I will have to invest in a pretty journal. :) Somewhere I can write down all of my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about being discreet for fear of being judged. I already feel like I am under a microscope sometimes. I don't need to magnify anything and make it worse. ;)

Especially on days like today when I am not working and I am literally home alone ALL day, I am going to force myself to do a few things instead of feeling bogged down and lonely.
1) Write a letter(doesn't matter who it is to)
2) Get up, get dressed and feel good about myself. Am I the only one who feels so much better prepared to take on the world and my day starts off better if I am dressed and ready to go? I am all about my t-shirts and comfy clothes. Whether I have plans for the day or even intend on leaving the house, it just seems to give you a pick-me-up.
3) Go for a walk, even if it is just around the apartment complex.
4) When I feel lonely or like I have no one to talk to, remind myself that I am never alone and Someone is always ready to listen... no matter how trivial or dumb my thoughts my seem, He cares.
5) Enjoy an old movie or watch something on the DVR - computer-less and phone-less. 

Another form of codependency? This blog! What blogger doesn't like knowing they have readers and thrive off of comments? Well, I cut myself off on that one by making this blog private. It probably won't be private forever but, for my own safety and sanity, it has to be for now. I just need to remind myself to keep updating. No more thinking "well, no one is actually reading" or "my last post didn't have any comments". Can I blog "independently"? We shall see.

I have never considered myself to be one of those females who has to be on her man's arm to be complete. Yes, it is different without Trevor because I am alone and single. But I feel like I have always more dependent on the presence of my family and friends than anything else. In Mobile, I don't have many friends and Heather is the only family I have here. Between our work schedules and everything else, we don't get to spend a lot of time together. I am alone and on my own for the first time in my life. It's kind of weird and very lonely. But I am looking on it as a way to grow and expand as a person. I know on my old blog I posted lyrics to a Wayne Watson song called GROWING and it feels fitting for right now as well.
I'm growing. 
I don't like it.

I'm growing, and it hurts.

I love You, but I'm tired.

Guess I've got a lot to learn.

Yeah, I guess I've got a lot to learn. 
Don't be surprised if I do regular updates on my codependency issues. ;) I know I am not the only person out there. In what ways do you feel like you are most codependent? What ways do you find to break lose and become a little more independent?


  1. Ashley, I have to say that I'm beyond impressed that you're open enough to share such private and deep feelings - even on a private blog. I tend to keep things on such a superficial level, and it's incredible that you're able to dig deeper. No judgement here! Just love!

  2. I felt like I was reading something I wrote, Ashley! I am so codependent and didn't realize how very much so until Cody called it quits. Journaling has definitely helped me in some aspects. I've journaled almost every day for the past year and I definitely know who I am now instead of defining myself based off of my relationships!

  3. Ashley, I am so proud of you! I went through a similar struggle in life about 5 years ago and the person I ended up becoming through it was better than I could have imagined. I remember my first time eating alone...in a restuarant...it wasn't all that bad...you will be amazed at how many strangers will talk to you! I am so proud of you and will be praying for you! If you ever need someone to talk to you are always welcome to call me! :) P.S. discovering a new hobby you enjoy really helps with filling time! :)